Ashes of the Lies We Told Ourselves
by arendelleziegler
Summary: Following a lengthy period of estrangement Elsa thought she have had make peace with the true reasons of her departure, with Anna's sad angry eyes looking at her in disappointment and her new promising life in Barcelona. But the past can't be ignored for so long, and now she has to come back to finally extinguish whatever they started, or let the fire burn them again [Modern AU].


Coming home was never an easy task, much less a pleasurable one.

Elsa knew that, taking the first cab that she found outside the airport without bother to think about her actions first.

The tiredness on her face erased any hint of makeup, buried behind layers of sweat and self loathing that made her feel more miserable than ever. Her phone was missing of any notifications, excluding a few about the current weather and the time it would take to the driver reach their destiny.

It shouldn't be this hard.

But it was.

And she knew it would be like this the exact minute she departed from this airport six years ago, without goodbyes, without any tears but the ones that came from anger and disappointment.

With teal eyes looking at her with despise and fear. Fear of the future.

Fear of being alone again.

~•~•~•~

_"__So is this how everything ends?"_

_"__We have already discussed this, Anna". _

_"__No! You have, you were the one deciding this whole stuff without me. This new job, new place. You are the one leaving me..."_

_Elsa tensed her shoulders, preparing herself for the words she knew would come next._

_"__Again. You're leaving me... again"._

_Again. Leaving again._

~•~•~•~

Elsa tried to set aside those words, she never could get rid of them, haunting her in the cold nights and hot summers. They were always in her mind, waiting to torture her in ways she never thought would be tortured again.

She abandoned Anna once, back when the two were young and full of empty promises. And as ignorant as she were she thought everything would be okay after a ton of therapy and side-to-side work. Anna had abandonment issues. Elsa was simply a coward bitch. It was matter of time until she decided to run away again, treasuring that reality deep in her heart even when she wanted to ignore it.

And she kept ignoring it for three years, three years pretending she was okay when she wasn't, giving Anna the safety she needed despite she was hurting her own mind. But her sister was happy, somehow, despite the emotional shit they both had to carry she was happy. And who was Elsa to ruin that happiness again?

She was no one, she must be no one. Doing anything to keep Anna safe even if that meant to put herself in fire.

But the fire grew up slowly and soon everything began to burn. Her mental health, their relationship, the love she felt for her being reduced to ashes of something that could never be anymore.

And soon Elsa realized she was in the bottom of the rock even if it was difficult to admit. Trapped like a mouse in a cage.

So she simply opted to leave. Without even dare herself to look back, living in fear that if she do it she'd end regretting her decisions.

Fear that she might end coming back when she is not supposed to do it.

~•~•~•~

_"__This... We can't keep doing this"._

_"__What do you mean?"_

_"__I..."_

_It wasn't easy summarize three and a half years of a dependent relationship. Sure, Anna had her boyfriend and, even for surprise of Elsa's high standards, the guy seemed like a good match for her._

_But Anna always searched for affection in Elsa, needing her company, her touches. Her presence._

_She'd get nervous if Elsa would come home one hour later than the expected. And the blonde would find her crying curled on the couch, her phone buzzing on a ton of unread messages from Kristoff._

_Anna decided to break up with him the same night he tried to propose, and even when she didn't give anyone any reason Elsa knew deep hearted that she was the cause of Anna's problems to maintain any relationship outside their sisterly one._

_"__We need to talk"._

_Talk. She wasn't exactly good at that._

_"__I've got a new job. I need to leave to Barcelona next morning if I want to make it on time"._

_That was all. That and the hundred of tears coming from Anna's to wet her face. And the screams._

_And the words full of sadness and absolute pain._

~•~•~•~

The events of that night were erased from Elsa's mind. She herself assured of that. And then a night of anger and fights became a distant memory that her mind didn't bother to reproduce anymore.

She checked for the hour on her cellphone, 7:39 P.M., the traffic would make the driver get stuck for twenty minutes or more, letting her have at least more time to put her mind in order.

**Elsa [7:41 P.M.]**

i'm on my way  
a ton of traffic

It sounded mechanical, she'd dare to say it was even rehearsed and memorized. But that was how their very few interactions the last years have been.

**Anna [7:59 P.M.]**

Text me when you're near the street.

And that's how it should be for their own safety.

~•~•~•~

_Barcelona was cold that time of year, but Elsa didn't care about that particular detail. Not when the flight landed one hour late, ruining the planned scheduled that she memorized with one month of anticipation._

_Now she had to deal with calls she didn't plan at all and unforeseen interactions between her and the receptionist with a very broken english that somehow could inform her new bosses about her current dilemma, accepting to meet with her the next day._

_It wasn't as planned, just as her phone buzzing with a ton of different messages coming from Anna, threatening to break her own mental health again._

_Somehow Elsa got calm enough to reply to all of them. _

**_Anna [10:07 A.M.]_**

_Did you land?  
Please tell me everything's okay  
Wait, do you even speak spanish?  
Elsa pls reply.  
Are you at the hotel?_

**_Elsa [11:49 A.M.]_**

_Just finished checkin in.  
I'll meet with them tomorrow morning, I couldn't make it today.  
wait what are you doing wake up at this hour?  
Is fucking 1 am anna_

**_Anna [11:52 A.M.]_**

_couldn't sleep. had to know about you. _

**_Elsa [12:17 P.M.]_**

_Well I'm okay, as you can see  
try to get some rest.  
I'll call you when I finish here. _

_She never called after that._

~•~•~•~

In the now long trip from the airport to her previous neighborhood Elsa felt nothing but a mix of confusion and sadness. She'd notice some hints of hate too, primarily over herself, for accept to this without know what she'd have to face as soon as she gets into their old house.

Elsa was sure that at this point all her old self esteem was now a pile of inexistent confidence. She'd punish herself for have blamed Anna for being emotionally weak when she was the one who ended crossing the sea over a call that she knew could have been handled better without turning it into an international domestic problem.

But she realized she needed that call too and it would have been matter of time for her to contact her in such desperate cries. Elsa was relieved that Anna was the one reaching tho.

Because it would make her feel less dependent, less broken.

It would match perfectly with the idea of the cold heartless woman she had to force on herself in order to not miss Anna more with every night that passed.

~•~•~•~

_December 1, 2019_

_**Anna:**_

_Official announcement: It's holiday season!_

_**Elsa:**_

_God, calm down a little can you?_  
_Is way too early to get in a christmas mood_

_**Anna:**_

_whatever you says, grinch_  
_i'm just figuring out how in the world send you a both birthday and holiday present_  
_since you haven't send me any address yet_

_**Elsa:**_

_Soon i'll send it, still need to figure out things and settle everything_

_December 22, 2019_

_**Anna:**_

_Happy cake day!_

_**Elsa:**_

_Come on we're not kids anymore... but i accept the message_  
_wishing you were here tho_

_February 29, 2020_

_**Anna:**_

_still waiting for that address_  
_btw, who is that girl on your recent pic?_

_**Elsa:**_

_just a friend, her name is rashel_  
_don't get so hype, we're friends i sweaR_

_**Anna:**_

_sure jan_  
_she's hot af_

_June 21, 2020_

_**Elsa:**_

_it seems is your cake day_

_June 22, 2020_

_**Anna:**_

_i still have a bing hungover so... yeah cake day was amazing_  
_*bug_  
_*BIG damn it_

_November 13, 2020_

_**Anna:**_

_I hate to do this but can you send me some money?_  
_I've so debs to pay and I'll not get my check in another week._  
_Let me know if you can._

_August 9, 2022_

_**Elsa:**_

_Rashel and I are engaged._  
_Thought I had to tell you._

_**Anna:**_

_Wait, what?_  
_You didn't even tell me you two were dating!_

_**Elsa:**_

_Happened a long time back, two years ago maybe?_

_**Anna:**_

_Well congrats for you._

_January 28, 2023_

_**Anna:**_

_Nice pic! I've to admit I really miss your homemade mint cookies._

_December 22, 2023_

_**Anna:**_

_Happy birthday Elsie._  
_Hope you're having a good time!_  
_Eres el mejor_  
_(did i say i right? i'm trying to learn spanish for when i could finally visit you)_

_January 1, 2024_

_**Anna:**_

_Happy new year!_

_**Support: **You can't share messages with Elsa Arendelle anymore because the account has been deactivated._

~•~•~•~

_Elsa Arendelle was everything someone could ask for. A confident employer, an excellent architect and a lovely and supportive girlfriend._

_But in reality Elsa was anything but that. She was the best designer in her previous work, only due the constantly perfectionist that was eating her inside, forcing her to stay up until late to finish the current project she were working on. Anna would be the one reminding her the basic necessities and the two would make their path on the road, taking each other's back maybe too much to be considered healthy._

_She would never let anyone discover that side of her tho._

_The side that even now would cry herself to sleep, missing more than she should allow herself to miss. She'd read again the old conversations that she and Anna used to have when she just moved to here, conversations that now were nothing but a forcefully exchange of plain boring news, and even if it were that, Elsa would feel grateful about those little aspects that still connected her with her previous life. With Anna._

_Because after one year she accepted that what she did probably ended healing Anna but breaking her instead._

_But she couldn't go back. Not now, not after she left without the idea of going back._

_Not to face the look of deception crossing Anna's face again._

~•~•~•~

_Rashel's hands were all over Elsa's body, nails sinking on pristine white skin as she was thrusting faster and harder into Elsa in order to pleasure her the most, leaving dark red marks all over the blonde that were difficult to hide even with the most expensive makeup. _

_It would be usually like that, and Elsa would submit herself instead of being the one giving, accepting whatever Rashel wanted to offer to her without complain. _

_Giving. That was what drained Elsa more._

_"__I... please" her voice as a barely cry, being silenced by the sounds of flesh being smacked with passion._

_"__What do you need? Tell me"._

_Tears were sliding down Elsa's face, toes tensing as her orgasm was building inside herself, needing to explode in any moment._

_"__I need... Ann..."_

_Anna._

_She was about to scream Anna. _

_She was about to scream her sister's name while having probably the best sex she'd experience in the history._

_Elsa didn't know if she came or not, her arousal being covered by feelings of despair. Rashel held her in her arms, probably, Elsa was too distracted to even noticed._

_She was distracted by the tears sliding down her face, forcing her body to shut down completely any thought that were not about her sister. _

~•~•~•~

Elsa found herself in the intersection of her old neighborhood and suddenly the weight of the accountecements crashed over her shoulders. She was here, she has came back after those years of painful distance.

She came because Anna told her to do it, and being stubborn as usual Elsa put her sister in the first place rather than herself.

What would the redhead say if, conveniently now, she discovers that the exact moment she made that call Elsa was in the middle of an argument with her soon-to-not-be wife. That her project of a very skilled architect was reduced to ashes just like her once fairytale marriage.

Elsa's phone would ring exactly as her voice was screaming "is easier with her" at the top of her lungs, sending chills down her spine when 'Her' face popped on her screen.

Easier. It wasn't easier, but was what Elsa have knew all her life. She needed Anna as much as Anna needed her, and she couldn't ignore that significant feeling for the last five years of her life.

She has been lying to everyone else, but got tired of lie to herself.

Elsa used the hours of the consequent flight as an analgesic to numb her mind, and as soon as he saw the chaos of Los Angeles it was like if her previous catalonian life had vanished in thin air. Now it only mattered Anna, and when she saw the porch of their old house Elsa felt her stomach sinking,

It was exactly how she remembered it: the old rusty wood of the door, their parents old decoration. Anna had taken the bench and replaced it by a small set of wooden chairs. It felt familiar, warm. And Elsa felt like if she were coming back home for holidays and thanksgiving, with the pumpkin pie in the oven and christmas lights on the garden.

It felt lovely when their whole situation wasn't lovely at all.

~•~•~•~

_"__I can't, Elsa. I can't do this". _

_"__Hold on, Anna what are you talking about?"_

_"__Is too much... is... please come back"_

_"__An..."_

_"__Elsa come back, I need you. I've been needing you the minute after you lef..."._

_Her words were muffed by soft cries and Elsa had to deal with a very inconsolable Anna for a few of minutes. _

_"__Please I need you here"_

_"__I'm in another continent, I can't simply go there and you fucking know it"._

_She was trying again to be the rational one and put the things in order. This would pass, as it did when Anna called her over similar situations back in the past. This would end with both of them going to bed with a bittersweet feeling inside their chests. _

_For Elsa it would be another empty victory._

_For Anna a failed attempt to reconnect again with her past. _

_"__Els..."_

_"__I can't Anna, I wish but I..."_

_"__Please. If you want don't talk to me after this, but come here. Come and then you can leave freely. I just need you for one night, one night Elsie"._

_But back in the past now meant five years ago, and Elsa even have began to forgot how her sister's voice sounded until now. When she called, when an international number popped on her screen and she had to attend because her self strength have decided to leave her alone for tonight. _

_There was a dead silence in the line and for a second Elsa considered hang out the phone, but she couldn't, not even after those years of silence treatment. _

_"__Elsa?"_

_Anna's voice was barely audible, and then before any more confrontation:_

_"__I'll be landing there at 6 tomorrow night"._

~•~•~•~

"Anna?"

"You came".

The room was dark but the light coming through the window was enough to define her sister's silhouette. Her red hair was tied in a messy bun and with a little more of concentration Elsa could distinguish the stickiness in her face, a sign of interminable hours of crying.

Yes, she came. And somehow it was surreal for both of them. And instead of a meeting full of hugs and smiles all what Elsa got was a dead painful silence, no one was sure about what to say next.

She came because Anna told her to do it, standing in the middle of the room with her backpack hanging from her shoulders and the cold night air freezing her body.

_I am here_. But the words never let out her lips, being replaced by a sigh that showed feelings of confusion and despair. And the next thing Elsa could assimilate were Anna's warm hands holding onto her shoulders and body, and soft pink lips kissing her in such a subtle fast way that Elsa didn't know if that action was produced by her tired and damaged mind.

Anna held onto her with determination, maybe too with fear of being abandonment again. She held onto a hope that Elsa herself didn't know if she could provide her but which fantasy was enough to calm her younger sister.

Elsa couldn't look directly at her eyes, opting instead for hug her back and take her to the bed, letting her light touches speak for all the years she spent in silence and solitude.

"Don't hate me", Anna's voice resonated in the dark room.

"I could not..."

"You left. You left and... I didn't know what to do without you".

The redhead wiped her tears while her eyes followed her sister's silhouette walk around the room. Broken just like her, isolated just like her. With the difference that Elsa's eyes could hide better those feelings more than Anna's own could ever try or wish for.

"Why did you call me?"

"I needed you"

"You always need me", Elsa sank her nails on her perfect braided hair, trying to find coherence in her thoughts.

"Why did you come back?"

This time was Anna's time to fight back, her voice hard and firm just like her gaze posed on her sister.

"You called".

"I always do", she abruptly interrupted, "Why now? Why not three years ago, or four? Or the night I literally begged you to not leave?"

Elsa's gaze got blurry thanks to the tears that were threatening to slid down her face, and soon she found lost at words even to lie to herself. She couldn't reply Anna's question nor formulate phrases with her own questions in her mind. She simply stood there, long pale arms wrapping her body as if she were about to break in any second right there.

She should never have left. She should never have put Anna in the last place of her priorities.

"I don't know", at this point her voice was being muffled by her sobs, "I really wish I could know but I don't".

Elsa slid down the wall, sitting on the wooden floor as Anna wrapped herself in the blankets of the bed, realizing then that at this point she was dealing with a stranger rather than with her older sister. Anna needed comfort, Elsa needed security, and both women were so emotionally weak to provide each other their necessities.

Both sisters kept in silence for a while, listening each other's breaths and soft cries. When everything began to fall apart? When the person you loved most became a complete stranger?

Elsa coughed in an attempt to stop her crying, lifting up her gaze to connect with Anna's. Anna, with her innocent beautiful smile that now was nothing but a weak broken expression in her face. Anna, with her uncountable freckles that were hidden behind red skin, a sign of an intense session of crying. Anna, with her happy voice that was turnt into sadness camouflaged as rage.

"You have to let me go", Elsa's voice resonated breaking the silence, pressing her legs against her chest to try to stop feeling so vulnerable. "You have to, you... Anna..."

"Don't ask me that, please Elsa don't".

Anna crawled next to Elsa, taking place in front of her and contemplating between take her hand between hers or simply stay there, fearing that both of her options might tear her apart. The first one won though when Elsa, as if she could read Anna's mind, grabbed her sister's hand, pulling her close for a brief chaste kiss on her lips.

Anna's free hand tugged her sister's blouse, almost ragging the cloth in an act to assure herself that Elsa was there with her.

"You have to", Elsa's murmured as soon as they broke the kiss.

"Why?"

The blonde woman moved aside to take a better view of her sister, staring into aquamarine eyes that seemed to want to read through her dark blue ones.

"Tell me, Elsa, why?"

Elsa took a deep breath, then:

"Because I don't think I'm able to do it by myself".

* * *

**AN: Hey there, new angsty Elsanna fic here. I got inspired, kinda, by the possible ending of the sequel (that movie will break me emotionally I know)**

**Thanks for read, leave a review if you want :)**


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